I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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