It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
