dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
