It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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