We're facebook friends in real life
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
try to milk me bitch
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