I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
