you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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