If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
