i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
