how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
