its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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