i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
