You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
OPIZZABONMYDICK
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
