wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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