I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Pants are for mortals
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
