Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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