I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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