my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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