I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
