Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
