the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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