sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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