gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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