as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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