We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
