Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
