just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
