Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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