I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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