Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
