If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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