i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
