when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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