final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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