I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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