Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
