The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
