Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
