Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
