i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
