it was like his penis was on wheels.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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