HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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