I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
