Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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