Four minutes until I can fart!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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