I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
