you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
