i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
