Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
