I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
