He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I love you. Go after that dick
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