FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we're making bets on your personal life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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